So I started my day, yesterday, feeling ok.  Not great.  I haven't felt great in a long time.  But yesterday I knew that I had dodged a bullet.  So what ever yesterday would end up like... well it would be ok.

You see, last week I had a chest CT scan.  It was the final scan that my doctor intended to run on my chest.  

Following throat cancer treatment in New Jersey, an area had appeared on my right lung.  This was first seen during the PET scan I had 11/29/12.  That PET scan was to make sure that the throat cancer treatment I had just finished killed all the cancer.  It did kill the cancer.  But now there was this one little area that needed to be observed.  

To make a long story as short as possible, I moved to Arkansas from New Jersey after my cancer treatment.  I found new doctors, including one to track this "one little area".  The doctor was wonderful.  He followed this on my right lung and kept on telling me that he wasn't worried and that I shouldn't be worried.  

But the results from this CT scan came in and this "one little area" had doubled in size since last summer.  And, my doctor was on vacation.  So I finally ended up talking to a resident in his office/clinic and the resident said that this "one little area" did not look like cancer.

So I dodged a bullet.  Whew!!!  After going through throat cancer treatment that finished in 9/2012... I was far from ready to face another type of cancer treatment now.  

So yesterday was ok.  I had coffee with a cousin and tried to mend some fences (that can happen in families), ran some errands, got my hair cut (which I hate) and went to buy some new bar stools for an apartment I am moving into on Tuesday.  I have movers (real movers) who are scheduled to be here at 8 am Tuesday morning. 

But as I was running around in one of my favorite home goods stores, making a purchase for my new apartment, things went from ok to OH NO.

My real doctor called me while he was on vacation.  I know he is a straight shooter (he is from New Jersey after all) so after he told me that I would have to have a biopsy I asked him if the area of concern was malignant. He said that yes it is malignant.  Then I asked him if it was operable.  He said that yes it is operable.

The biopsy is scheduled for next Thursday and it can take up to a week for results.  

I guess I'm not ok.  I mean really... cancer again... so soon... I know it could be worse.  But it still sucks.

Now I have to move on Tuesday and get biop'ed on Thursday... 

Sometimes people really hurt my feelings and perhaps don't intend to... or perhaps that is exactly what they want to do. It's hard to tell sometimes. 

I realize that I am at a low point in my life and probably take things harder than I should. But I am still in constant pain from the treatment I went through. 

When I take pain meds I can't really go anywhere. So do I stay at home and not hurt or go out and be in pain? That seems to be my choice. 

And when someone invites me to do something I can not do or invites me to eat things I can not eat... it hurts my feelings. Plus it reminds me of all of the stuff I am missing out on because I went through that awful treatment to live. 

Is this living?

What is home?

What is home?  I used to think it was where you grew up and where all your biologically related family members lived.

I'm not so sure anymore.

I am back living in the state where I grew up.  Almost all of my biologically related family members live here, too.

But I don't feel like I belong here.  I never felt I belonged here.  When I was a kid I didn't feel like I belonged here and spent my entire life trying to find a place I belong.

I was pretty sure I found it in New Jersey. But I had to leave again. It must not be where I belong or I wouldn't have kept on leaving.

But I miss New Jersey. I miss the climate & culture... The two things I don't like about where I grew up.

So what's a woman to do?

Cooking with Jeanie… or Jeanie’s Kitchen Successes Part One

With all the trouble that Paula Dean is experiencing, I feel like someone needs to step up and help fill in.  I have decided to start my own cook book and I know it will lead into a TV show or some kind of stardom that will take the heat off Paula.  Keep in mind, I am only doing this as a last resort to a the fellow southerner... even though I spent the majority of my life in southern denial.  So here is my first recipe and I am sure my introduction to a new career!!!

Cooking with Jeanie… or Jeanie’s Kitchen Successes Part One

Toasted Cheesy Rolls

1 Kaiser Roll

Tub “This can’t be butter” (or whatever the correct name is) - light version

2 pieces of Pre-sliced cheese

Knife for cutting roll (unless you are lucky enough to find pre-cut Kaiser Rolls)

Plastic knife for spreading “This can’t be butter”

Toaster oven

Aluminum foil

V8 Juice (I recommend Low Sodium… we have to watch what we eat)

Plastic glass for juice

Directions:

Pour V8 Juice in plastic juice glass.  Set aside.

Most toaster ovens come with a little tray, remove from oven and cover with enough aluminum foil so that none of the little tray is exposed.

On paper plate, cut Kaiser Roll in half.

Using plastic knife, spread enough “This can’t be butter” on both halves of roll so that the margarine will melt down into the roll.  Set plastic knife aside for later disposal.

Put one piece of pre-sliced cheese on each half.

Place each half on the little tray from the toaster over (that you have all ready covered with aluminum foil).  NOTE:  It is important that you do this and NOT put paper plate with halved Kaiser rolls in the toaster oven.

Once rolls on little tray are securely in toaster over… set to toast for however long it takes for the cheese on top to get bubbly.

Once buzzer goes off announcing the completion of the toasting cycle, remove little tray from toaster over.

It is better to put little tray on oven hot mitt so that your counter doesn’t burn… not that it really will burn but I prefer to be safe in all kitchen activities.

Remove rolls from little tray.  I have found the easiest way is to hold sides of the aluminum foil and slide rolls on to the paper plate you used to slice the roll on.  If you reuse the paper plate in this manner, you are helping to save trees.

Wrap plastic knife in leftover aluminum foil.  Put in trash.

Move paper plate & V8 juice to where ever you want to eat.

You are now ready for a delicious breakfast!  Plus there is nothing left to clean!!!

(Yes, the little tray has to be put away once it has cooled down… but since it was covered in aluminum foil, there isn’t any reason to clean it!)

(Oh yeah… the knife you use to cut the Kaiser Rolls may need to be rinsed off… but since it only touched bread, a simple water wash is fine.)

Once finished, the paper plate and the plastic cup for the V8 can be put in the recycle bin to help the environment.

 

It has been a while since I wrote on this blog.  What a roller coaster.  I have stage 3 tonsil cancer.  It apparently started on my right tonsil and spread to the right side of the base of my tongue and a lymph node on the right side of my throat.

I went to the University Hospital in Newark for the biopsy & PET scan but have transferred to the JT Cancer Center at Hackensack University Medical Center.  I have, what seems to be, a very good oncologist and will be seeing the radiologist this coming Monday.  Depending on what he says, I might be able to finally start treatment on 5/21/12.  Almost 4 months since I went to the ER the first time in pain so bad I couldn't hardly stand it.  And I have lived with that pain every single day since almost the first of the year.

I am trying to quit smoking.  I haven't had a cigarette since 7 am this past Monday.  That is a record for me.  Actually, I have never tried to quit smoking.  Since quitting drinking was so easy, I suppose I am due for a struggle.  And it is a struggle.  I don't think of smoking all day long.  I am wearing the patch.  It helps when I am busy... but the rest of the time when I think of having a cigarette (which is every time I get in my car, eat something, come into my apartment, etc) all I can do is change what I am thinking about.

But I also remember that smoking is probably the reason I have cancer.  At least that is what everyone says.  I understand.  Smoking is bad for you and why not me?  There are people in this world that get throat cancers that never smoke.  Now that isn't fair.

I have lost weight and am beginning to have a hard time eating again.  There was a period of time during the past 4 weeks when my throat didn't hurt as bad.... funny, I thought maybe I was getting better.

And now the pain is back full force.  I can't sleep through the night because the pain wakes me up.  So I am tired all day.  When I try to take a nap, I wake up hurting.  My head hurts and all I want is for this pain to go away.

My probable treatment will consist of a combination of chemo & radiation.  Mondays will be spent part of the day at the oncologist's office having chemo.  Then I will go to the radiologist's office for radiation treatment.  Tuesday through Friday will be radiation only.  And this will be my life for 6 1/2 weeks.  I hope to find out for sure on Monday.  Whatever the treatment is, I just want it to begin because I won't get better until I get through the treatment.

I am afraid, however, that the cancer is spreading.  It didn't between the CT scan and the PET scan but the PT scan was several weeks ago.  And the pain in my throat has moved to new areas.

I expect to lose my hair.  I get a free wig from the American Cancer Society.  Not sure what it will be like, but I am all about getting a free wig :) 

For now I am going to get ready for bed.  Need to fix something to eat first.  Then wash my face, clean up the kitchen and find a new book to read.  Tomorrow is more of the same. 

I have several big questions:

1.  Will I live?
2.  Just how bad will the pain get before it starts to go away?
3.  Am I really going to be able to take care of myself throughout the treatment?
4.  What in the world will I do with myself if I do live, the pain goes away and I do actually manage to take care of myself?  I don't suppose I should worry about that right now.

Haven't "blogged" in a while. Mostly cause I am tired. I thought my appointment with my ENT doctor this past Monday would be to get my prognosis and treatment plan. Instead all that was accomplished was the doc confirmed that my tumors are malignant... so I officially have cancer.

The next step is now for me to have a PET scan. That will be on Wednesday, April 11, 2012. That will show if the cancer has spread to any other part of my body other than my throat.

I did receive a call after the appointment from the "Cancer Center" telling me that I have an appointment with a doctor there on Wednesday, April 11, 2012 and it is after my PET scan. So I will spend the day at the UMDNJ campus. I'm not sure why I have this appointment.  The Cancer Center in Newark is a research facility... or at least that is all their website says. I told my brother Sam today that it is probably that they want to research why someone as cool as me got cancer :)))

Then on Monday, April 16th I will go back to the ENT doc for my prognosis and treatment plan...

This has been going on for so long. And my financial life is so messed up that I don't know when or how I can go back to work full time and begin to get things straightened out. I have applied for help through the NJ Department of Human Services... but they just don't seem to want to help... so many road blocks... so many MORE forms to get filled out by various people. They don't seem interested at all that I am in pain all day long. Sometimes it is not terrible and other times it is absolutely almost more than I can take.

I have pain pills and they help. But I can't drive when I take them. So if I am somewhere and get a bad pain attack, there just isn't anything I can do.

I know I am lucky that it is "only" throat cancer. Of course, from what I have read on the Internet, treatment won't be particularly easy. My mouth and throat could have long term problems from the radiation and chemo... if I have to have either or both.

But I won't know until I get the prognosis... more waiting... more pain... more b/s from the government entities. It is overwhelming and I am just so tired.

Finally. Today is my biopsy. Getting to this point has been a real ordeal. I don't know what will be next... depends on the diagnosis. I won't have that until, at least, Friday.

Occasionally I wonder why this has happened. I was trying to do the right thing, live the right way. I spent years getting out of debt and thought I was starting to build my life again. But this illness has totally drained me, financially and emotionally.

I suppose that there is a lesson here. I am pretty sure I will have time to contemplate... But benign is beautiful. It's just that no one at the hospital has given me much hope for that.