It feels like I have been in pain all my life... it has only been daily since the first part of January 2012.  But it started when I returned to New Jersey.  Every now and then I get a moment or two where the pain isn't constant and I remember what it was like.  I don't know if it will ever go away and I don't have any way to plan my life. 

I hope to get results this week from the CT scan last Friday.  What I am more afraid of is that it won't show anything and there won't be any answers.  I am ready, I think, to face whatever it is.  I know I don't want to live this way... constant pain and no reason or explanation for it.

I wasn't ready for this.  I knew a serious medical condition could happened, as it has happened in the past... without warning and mostly at a most inconvenient period of time.  That's what happened when I got sick in 2001 and it took me over 2 years to get everything fixed. 

I had a lot of hope and plans for this year.  They all depended upon me working full time and saving... something I have recently learned to do.  I was debt free and planning a trip to Germany to see my niece and her family.  I know that many others have bigger problems than I have... and I am now feeling stupid for feeling sorry for myself.  But that is why I write.  To straighten myself out.

As long as I am breathing there is hope.  And perhaps this week will be the beginning of a healing process.