It has been a while since I wrote on this blog. What a roller coaster. I have stage 3 tonsil cancer. It apparently started on my right tonsil and spread to the right side of the base of my tongue and a lymph node on the right side of my throat.
I went to the University Hospital in Newark for the biopsy & PET scan but have transferred to the JT Cancer Center at Hackensack University Medical Center. I have, what seems to be, a very good oncologist and will be seeing the radiologist this coming Monday. Depending on what he says, I might be able to finally start treatment on 5/21/12. Almost 4 months since I went to the ER the first time in pain so bad I couldn't hardly stand it. And I have lived with that pain every single day since almost the first of the year.
I am trying to quit smoking. I haven't had a cigarette since 7 am this past Monday. That is a record for me. Actually, I have never tried to quit smoking. Since quitting drinking was so easy, I suppose I am due for a struggle. And it is a struggle. I don't think of smoking all day long. I am wearing the patch. It helps when I am busy... but the rest of the time when I think of having a cigarette (which is every time I get in my car, eat something, come into my apartment, etc) all I can do is change what I am thinking about.
But I also remember that smoking is probably the reason I have cancer. At least that is what everyone says. I understand. Smoking is bad for you and why not me? There are people in this world that get throat cancers that never smoke. Now that isn't fair.
I have lost weight and am beginning to have a hard time eating again. There was a period of time during the past 4 weeks when my throat didn't hurt as bad.... funny, I thought maybe I was getting better.
And now the pain is back full force. I can't sleep through the night because the pain wakes me up. So I am tired all day. When I try to take a nap, I wake up hurting. My head hurts and all I want is for this pain to go away.
My probable treatment will consist of a combination of chemo & radiation. Mondays will be spent part of the day at the oncologist's office having chemo. Then I will go to the radiologist's office for radiation treatment. Tuesday through Friday will be radiation only. And this will be my life for 6 1/2 weeks. I hope to find out for sure on Monday. Whatever the treatment is, I just want it to begin because I won't get better until I get through the treatment.
I am afraid, however, that the cancer is spreading. It didn't between the CT scan and the PET scan but the PT scan was several weeks ago. And the pain in my throat has moved to new areas.
I expect to lose my hair. I get a free wig from the American Cancer Society. Not sure what it will be like, but I am all about getting a free wig :)
For now I am going to get ready for bed. Need to fix something to eat first. Then wash my face, clean up the kitchen and find a new book to read. Tomorrow is more of the same.
I have several big questions:
1. Will I live?
2. Just how bad will the pain get before it starts to go away?
3. Am I really going to be able to take care of myself throughout the treatment?
4. What in the world will I do with myself if I do live, the pain goes away and I do actually manage to take care of myself? I don't suppose I should worry about that right now.
