So I started my day, yesterday, feeling ok.  Not great.  I haven't felt great in a long time.  But yesterday I knew that I had dodged a bullet.  So what ever yesterday would end up like... well it would be ok.

You see, last week I had a chest CT scan.  It was the final scan that my doctor intended to run on my chest.  

Following throat cancer treatment in New Jersey, an area had appeared on my right lung.  This was first seen during the PET scan I had 11/29/12.  That PET scan was to make sure that the throat cancer treatment I had just finished killed all the cancer.  It did kill the cancer.  But now there was this one little area that needed to be observed.  

To make a long story as short as possible, I moved to Arkansas from New Jersey after my cancer treatment.  I found new doctors, including one to track this "one little area".  The doctor was wonderful.  He followed this on my right lung and kept on telling me that he wasn't worried and that I shouldn't be worried.  

But the results from this CT scan came in and this "one little area" had doubled in size since last summer.  And, my doctor was on vacation.  So I finally ended up talking to a resident in his office/clinic and the resident said that this "one little area" did not look like cancer.

So I dodged a bullet.  Whew!!!  After going through throat cancer treatment that finished in 9/2012... I was far from ready to face another type of cancer treatment now.  

So yesterday was ok.  I had coffee with a cousin and tried to mend some fences (that can happen in families), ran some errands, got my hair cut (which I hate) and went to buy some new bar stools for an apartment I am moving into on Tuesday.  I have movers (real movers) who are scheduled to be here at 8 am Tuesday morning. 

But as I was running around in one of my favorite home goods stores, making a purchase for my new apartment, things went from ok to OH NO.

My real doctor called me while he was on vacation.  I know he is a straight shooter (he is from New Jersey after all) so after he told me that I would have to have a biopsy I asked him if the area of concern was malignant. He said that yes it is malignant.  Then I asked him if it was operable.  He said that yes it is operable.

The biopsy is scheduled for next Thursday and it can take up to a week for results.  

I guess I'm not ok.  I mean really... cancer again... so soon... I know it could be worse.  But it still sucks.

Now I have to move on Tuesday and get biop'ed on Thursday... 

Sometimes people really hurt my feelings and perhaps don't intend to... or perhaps that is exactly what they want to do. It's hard to tell sometimes. 

I realize that I am at a low point in my life and probably take things harder than I should. But I am still in constant pain from the treatment I went through. 

When I take pain meds I can't really go anywhere. So do I stay at home and not hurt or go out and be in pain? That seems to be my choice. 

And when someone invites me to do something I can not do or invites me to eat things I can not eat... it hurts my feelings. Plus it reminds me of all of the stuff I am missing out on because I went through that awful treatment to live. 

Is this living?

What is home?

What is home?  I used to think it was where you grew up and where all your biologically related family members lived.

I'm not so sure anymore.

I am back living in the state where I grew up.  Almost all of my biologically related family members live here, too.

But I don't feel like I belong here.  I never felt I belonged here.  When I was a kid I didn't feel like I belonged here and spent my entire life trying to find a place I belong.

I was pretty sure I found it in New Jersey. But I had to leave again. It must not be where I belong or I wouldn't have kept on leaving.

But I miss New Jersey. I miss the climate & culture... The two things I don't like about where I grew up.

So what's a woman to do?

Cooking with Jeanie… or Jeanie’s Kitchen Successes Part One

With all the trouble that Paula Dean is experiencing, I feel like someone needs to step up and help fill in.  I have decided to start my own cook book and I know it will lead into a TV show or some kind of stardom that will take the heat off Paula.  Keep in mind, I am only doing this as a last resort to a the fellow southerner... even though I spent the majority of my life in southern denial.  So here is my first recipe and I am sure my introduction to a new career!!!

Cooking with Jeanie… or Jeanie’s Kitchen Successes Part One

Toasted Cheesy Rolls

1 Kaiser Roll

Tub “This can’t be butter” (or whatever the correct name is) - light version

2 pieces of Pre-sliced cheese

Knife for cutting roll (unless you are lucky enough to find pre-cut Kaiser Rolls)

Plastic knife for spreading “This can’t be butter”

Toaster oven

Aluminum foil

V8 Juice (I recommend Low Sodium… we have to watch what we eat)

Plastic glass for juice

Directions:

Pour V8 Juice in plastic juice glass.  Set aside.

Most toaster ovens come with a little tray, remove from oven and cover with enough aluminum foil so that none of the little tray is exposed.

On paper plate, cut Kaiser Roll in half.

Using plastic knife, spread enough “This can’t be butter” on both halves of roll so that the margarine will melt down into the roll.  Set plastic knife aside for later disposal.

Put one piece of pre-sliced cheese on each half.

Place each half on the little tray from the toaster over (that you have all ready covered with aluminum foil).  NOTE:  It is important that you do this and NOT put paper plate with halved Kaiser rolls in the toaster oven.

Once rolls on little tray are securely in toaster over… set to toast for however long it takes for the cheese on top to get bubbly.

Once buzzer goes off announcing the completion of the toasting cycle, remove little tray from toaster over.

It is better to put little tray on oven hot mitt so that your counter doesn’t burn… not that it really will burn but I prefer to be safe in all kitchen activities.

Remove rolls from little tray.  I have found the easiest way is to hold sides of the aluminum foil and slide rolls on to the paper plate you used to slice the roll on.  If you reuse the paper plate in this manner, you are helping to save trees.

Wrap plastic knife in leftover aluminum foil.  Put in trash.

Move paper plate & V8 juice to where ever you want to eat.

You are now ready for a delicious breakfast!  Plus there is nothing left to clean!!!

(Yes, the little tray has to be put away once it has cooled down… but since it was covered in aluminum foil, there isn’t any reason to clean it!)

(Oh yeah… the knife you use to cut the Kaiser Rolls may need to be rinsed off… but since it only touched bread, a simple water wash is fine.)

Once finished, the paper plate and the plastic cup for the V8 can be put in the recycle bin to help the environment.

 

It has been a while since I wrote on this blog.  What a roller coaster.  I have stage 3 tonsil cancer.  It apparently started on my right tonsil and spread to the right side of the base of my tongue and a lymph node on the right side of my throat.

I went to the University Hospital in Newark for the biopsy & PET scan but have transferred to the JT Cancer Center at Hackensack University Medical Center.  I have, what seems to be, a very good oncologist and will be seeing the radiologist this coming Monday.  Depending on what he says, I might be able to finally start treatment on 5/21/12.  Almost 4 months since I went to the ER the first time in pain so bad I couldn't hardly stand it.  And I have lived with that pain every single day since almost the first of the year.

I am trying to quit smoking.  I haven't had a cigarette since 7 am this past Monday.  That is a record for me.  Actually, I have never tried to quit smoking.  Since quitting drinking was so easy, I suppose I am due for a struggle.  And it is a struggle.  I don't think of smoking all day long.  I am wearing the patch.  It helps when I am busy... but the rest of the time when I think of having a cigarette (which is every time I get in my car, eat something, come into my apartment, etc) all I can do is change what I am thinking about.

But I also remember that smoking is probably the reason I have cancer.  At least that is what everyone says.  I understand.  Smoking is bad for you and why not me?  There are people in this world that get throat cancers that never smoke.  Now that isn't fair.

I have lost weight and am beginning to have a hard time eating again.  There was a period of time during the past 4 weeks when my throat didn't hurt as bad.... funny, I thought maybe I was getting better.

And now the pain is back full force.  I can't sleep through the night because the pain wakes me up.  So I am tired all day.  When I try to take a nap, I wake up hurting.  My head hurts and all I want is for this pain to go away.

My probable treatment will consist of a combination of chemo & radiation.  Mondays will be spent part of the day at the oncologist's office having chemo.  Then I will go to the radiologist's office for radiation treatment.  Tuesday through Friday will be radiation only.  And this will be my life for 6 1/2 weeks.  I hope to find out for sure on Monday.  Whatever the treatment is, I just want it to begin because I won't get better until I get through the treatment.

I am afraid, however, that the cancer is spreading.  It didn't between the CT scan and the PET scan but the PT scan was several weeks ago.  And the pain in my throat has moved to new areas.

I expect to lose my hair.  I get a free wig from the American Cancer Society.  Not sure what it will be like, but I am all about getting a free wig :) 

For now I am going to get ready for bed.  Need to fix something to eat first.  Then wash my face, clean up the kitchen and find a new book to read.  Tomorrow is more of the same. 

I have several big questions:

1.  Will I live?
2.  Just how bad will the pain get before it starts to go away?
3.  Am I really going to be able to take care of myself throughout the treatment?
4.  What in the world will I do with myself if I do live, the pain goes away and I do actually manage to take care of myself?  I don't suppose I should worry about that right now.

Haven't "blogged" in a while. Mostly cause I am tired. I thought my appointment with my ENT doctor this past Monday would be to get my prognosis and treatment plan. Instead all that was accomplished was the doc confirmed that my tumors are malignant... so I officially have cancer.

The next step is now for me to have a PET scan. That will be on Wednesday, April 11, 2012. That will show if the cancer has spread to any other part of my body other than my throat.

I did receive a call after the appointment from the "Cancer Center" telling me that I have an appointment with a doctor there on Wednesday, April 11, 2012 and it is after my PET scan. So I will spend the day at the UMDNJ campus. I'm not sure why I have this appointment.  The Cancer Center in Newark is a research facility... or at least that is all their website says. I told my brother Sam today that it is probably that they want to research why someone as cool as me got cancer :)))

Then on Monday, April 16th I will go back to the ENT doc for my prognosis and treatment plan...

This has been going on for so long. And my financial life is so messed up that I don't know when or how I can go back to work full time and begin to get things straightened out. I have applied for help through the NJ Department of Human Services... but they just don't seem to want to help... so many road blocks... so many MORE forms to get filled out by various people. They don't seem interested at all that I am in pain all day long. Sometimes it is not terrible and other times it is absolutely almost more than I can take.

I have pain pills and they help. But I can't drive when I take them. So if I am somewhere and get a bad pain attack, there just isn't anything I can do.

I know I am lucky that it is "only" throat cancer. Of course, from what I have read on the Internet, treatment won't be particularly easy. My mouth and throat could have long term problems from the radiation and chemo... if I have to have either or both.

But I won't know until I get the prognosis... more waiting... more pain... more b/s from the government entities. It is overwhelming and I am just so tired.

Finally. Today is my biopsy. Getting to this point has been a real ordeal. I don't know what will be next... depends on the diagnosis. I won't have that until, at least, Friday.

Occasionally I wonder why this has happened. I was trying to do the right thing, live the right way. I spent years getting out of debt and thought I was starting to build my life again. But this illness has totally drained me, financially and emotionally.

I suppose that there is a lesson here. I am pretty sure I will have time to contemplate... But benign is beautiful. It's just that no one at the hospital has given me much hope for that.

It's been a few days since I wrote on my blog. Finally, after weeks/months of trying to fix my throat, I finally saw an ENT doctor. He verified that I need a biopsy of the masses in the back of my throat and said that usually masses/tumors where mine are located are cancer.

So I have to wait to get the biopsy set up. And, of course, there is a lot of crap to go through before I can even have the biopsy. I have become much less impressed with the New Jersey health care system for uninsuranced citizens.

I only hope that if it is cancer that it doesn't grow too much while I'm waiting to find out if it is cancer.

Now I know... sort of.  I know that there is a mess in my throat.  I know I have a lot of doctor visits ahead of me.  I know there is a chance it could be fatal.  But I want to live.  And I will do whatever it takes to live.

It feels like I have been in pain all my life... it has only been daily since the first part of January 2012.  But it started when I returned to New Jersey.  Every now and then I get a moment or two where the pain isn't constant and I remember what it was like.  I don't know if it will ever go away and I don't have any way to plan my life. 

I hope to get results this week from the CT scan last Friday.  What I am more afraid of is that it won't show anything and there won't be any answers.  I am ready, I think, to face whatever it is.  I know I don't want to live this way... constant pain and no reason or explanation for it.

I wasn't ready for this.  I knew a serious medical condition could happened, as it has happened in the past... without warning and mostly at a most inconvenient period of time.  That's what happened when I got sick in 2001 and it took me over 2 years to get everything fixed. 

I had a lot of hope and plans for this year.  They all depended upon me working full time and saving... something I have recently learned to do.  I was debt free and planning a trip to Germany to see my niece and her family.  I know that many others have bigger problems than I have... and I am now feeling stupid for feeling sorry for myself.  But that is why I write.  To straighten myself out.

As long as I am breathing there is hope.  And perhaps this week will be the beginning of a healing process.

I am sick of being sick. First is was a sore throat that came and went. It started when I moved to NJ at the end of August 2011.  At times it was pretty bad. But I put it off to allergies. I had moved into a house with 3 cats and over the years I must have developed an allergy to them...

But then I moved into a house with no cats.  And my throat still hurt.  Not as much, not as often but it was still there.

THEN I finally moved into the apartment where I live now.  Ok, it was pretty dirty when I moved in.  AND a week later I started a new job, in a new industry working a "normal" schedule... which I haven't done since I was in my 20's (a very long time ago).

I talk a lot at this job, on the phone and to co-workers. There is a lot more stress than I thought. But nevertheless, it shouldn't have caused my throat to hurt as bad as it did. It got to the point I couldn't talk and in the evening, when I brushed my teeth and cleared my throat, there was blood.  After a week of that I decided to go to the hospital.

I don't have health insurance. And the bank account isn't set up for any major medical bills. I knew the hospital would treat me and I could work out a payment plan. 

I had to go on a Saturday because my job requires that I be there Mon-Fri 8:30 am - 5:00 pm.  I get 1/2 hour for lunch, but that isn't time to get medical treatment.

The emergency room prescribed antibiotics, pain pills and a new blood pressure med... as, for some reason, my blood pressure was off the charts.  They kept me until after I fell asleep and my BP went down. And suggested that I go to one of their clinics.

The antibiotics helped so much.  But it was a Z-pack which is only for 5 days.  My throat still hurt but not nearly as bad.  And the blood was gone. 

So I went to the clinic. I couldn't make an appointment with them because of my job.  But they told me if I showed up at 8:30 am on a Saturday I would be "worked" in. I was healthier when I walked in there then after I left.

To make a long story as short as I can... the doctor I saw prescribed meds I couldn't afford, meds that interferred with my blood pressure and another med that was almost exactly the same as one I was all ready taking.

So what do I do now?

I am tired of the pain.  I am glad it isn't constant right now.  But it is only "not" constant because I am not working.  It was constant when I was.  Can't go too long without income, though.  Just don't know what to do.  I am trying very hard to have faith. 

No matter what... since I made that decision in April of 1995, I have lived.  It hasn't always be easy and it hasn't always been fun... but I chose to live and life is a whole basket of experiences. 

I have loved more than I thought I ever would... and I am glad for that... even though it didn't last.  I have met some of the most amazing people in the world.  I am glad that I am back in New Jersey... don't know why I love this place, but I do.  I didn't pick it out as a place to live... ended up here quite accidentally in 1986.  I sure hope I can stay.

I don't have a lot of faith in the medical community... ok, just doctors.  Some are wonderful.  But there are a lot out there that really don't know what they are doing.  AND somewhere along the way these doctors have been taught that they are always right.  Emergency doctors are pretty good.  They seem to know that they don't know everything and can only help you to a point.  Our medical technology and knowledge is amazing.  I just seem to find doctors that 1. Don't listen 2. Think they know everything about everything 3. Forget that just because there is a test or a new med, they should be prescribing it.  Bad day with this stuff today.

Went to the emergency room at Hackensack (New Jersey) University Medical Center (HUMC) yesterday.  Spent about 8 hours there trying to find out what is wrong with my throat. Long story but I am hoping the "Z-pack" that was prescribed will fix it.  All I know is that my throat has gotten progressively worse and without medical attention it wasn't going to get better.  I don't have health insurance so this little visit will be expensive.  I am all for health care reform, but I haven't heard of anything that will work for me.  I do qualify for insurance in 2 1/2 months at my new job... but this couldn't wait.  HUMC is a wonderful hospital and has saved my life twice since I first moved to NJ in 1986.  I should try to "Friend" them on Facebook :)))

I am starting to feel a little tiny bit better.

First Blog :)

This is my first blog posting. Not much to write cause I'm not doing much.  Dealing with a new job and a really bad sore throat. Hopefully the throat will get better as I don't have health insurance and that I will adjust to working a normal schedule in a normal job.